


he remembers (and then he feels)

by bigbraveboop



Category: Black Monday (TV)
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Introspection, Lies, M/M, Swearing, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25286848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigbraveboop/pseuds/bigbraveboop
Summary: “at his center, blair pfaff is a man of his own creation. others may have controlled him, forced his hand, but he rose in spite of it all.”⤷ a recount of what blair pfaff truly is.
Relationships: Roger Harris/Blair Pfaff
Kudos: 12





	he remembers (and then he feels)

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS!!  
> this fic contains references to conversion therapy, suicide, child abuse and manipulation/gaslighting. stay safe!!
> 
> also spoilers for black monday 2x08 - 2x10

at his center, blair pfaff is a man of his own creation. others may have controlled him, forced his hand, but he rose in spite of it all. he remembers holding the shattered glass of his trophy in his hand after it was thrown into the wall by his father. it was heavy, and the edges were sharp. sharp like his dad's words, cutting like the edge of the belt. his hand tightened, and then loosened as an idea popped into his mind. he carried through with it.

he remembers how the glass shimmered on his finger like small diamonds, how his father had eaten the food given. he remembers presenting his dad with a trophy won, remembered the sound of it smashing against the wall. remembers being crowded into the bookcase, with his mind screaming only _run run run run_. and then, he remembers his mind silencing. his father collapsing. he rememberes the awful relief and satisfaction as his father gasped for air. he shouldn't feel like that, but he does. he feels... _safe_. 

blair remembers bumping into moe monroe for the first time, and remembers running his mouth apologizing. he then remembers humiliation, sulking back to his apartment only to have tiff knee him in the crotch, slap him in the face, and tell him to take his job back. so he does. he screams at moe, and dawn, and everyone else in that fucking group. "my dad died of a heart attack while beating me," he says. he lies. so, they give him a chance. and he fails. he fucks up, and he makes up for it by fucking everyone else up. and for a while, everything is some semblance of alright. 

blair remembers his wedding, remembers coming out to tiff. about the georgina play. about being gay. about it all. he remembers being scared, and then remembers being relieved. he remembers sitting at the wedding bar, and remembers moe walking up to him. he remembers turning on the confidence, the show of intelligence. he remembers laughing mockingly at moe, before walking away. he remembers being sat by the alter with tiff, and their shared "i love you's." he remembers how warm he felt, how lovely having them only be friends feels. he wanted this and he hadn't known it.

blair remembers dressing up on october 19th, 1987. he remembers slicking his hair back, removing his glasses and replacing them with contact lenses. and funnily enough, it's as if he truly sees himself for the first time. the frames no longer cover his eyes, and instead he can see his entire face clearly. looking in that mirror, he sees a man so thoroughly changed by wall street, by other people. and in that moment, blair pfaff decides that his hand will never be forced again. blair pfaff smirks, and leaves the room. blair rubs the tie pin between his fingers as he walks through the door of the jammer group, his eyes running over the decorations strewn around. one year since he stormed into the room, now a changed man.

blair remembers closing the door to moe's office and standing beside dawn, sharing a look with each other. he remembers moe's confident demeanour disappearing, the pride and assured victory slipping through cupped hands as though it were water. he remembers his own confidence building, closing his fists around his own victory. he remembers yassir throwing himself into moe's office, panicked. he remembers laughing with dawn, and feeling proud. only proud. he remembers moe trying to convince him that he's ruined the lives of others, and blair can't find it in himself to be anything but apathetic. funny, how that works. blair had once said to another man, corrupt, in his current position: "empathise with someone." blair almost laughs thinking about it. blair remembers being a pussy, and compares himself to then, and actually laughs.

blair remembers jammer forcing himself into the room, demanding his share of money from moe. he remembers keith confessing, confessing everything they already knew. he remembers keith stepping outside onto the balcony. he remembers jammer pulling a gun on them. he remembers jammer shooting the window, noticing keith on the railing, no. _nonononononono._ racing outside, grabbing keith and pulling him away. everything happening at once, a scuffle. jammer ends up dangling from the balcony, gripping blair's tie. he remembers the weight of holding jammer entirely, the tie digging into his neck. he remembers moe taking a pocket ui knife and sawing at the tie, jammer crashing into moe's car. he remembers breathing heavily, dawn's hand on his back and moe's on his shoulder. he remember nothing else in that moment. all he remembers is his ears ringing and being unable to rip his eyes away from the ground.

blair remembers meeting congressman roger harris. he remembers how he intimidated, how he was so magnetic. he knew what he wanted and he knew how to get it, and blair remembers not being able to tear his eyes from him. he remembers attempting to impress harris, and failing. he remembers trying again, following him down to his hotel room. he remembers running his mouth, talking about things he doesn't quite rememebr, and then he remembers being kissed. he remembers sinking into it, his hands drifting to harris' waist before pulling away. "i'm not gay." he says. he lies. harris pulls him into his hotel room and blair smiles dazedly. blair rememebrs the sex being incredible for his first time with a guy, remembers how... right it felt. he remembers waking up next to a man for the first time in his life, and feeling nothing but satisfied.

blair remembers lying. it's a lot of counts to remember, but he manages. lying to tiff; "your father wanted nothing to do with you." lying to dawn; "i actually have an idea!" lying to corky; "oh, we're just friends." lies lies lies lies lies. sometimes blair lies so much that he forgets where the honesty ends and deceit begins. sometimes he doesn't want to know. blair learns that lying is how he gets what he wants. you get nowhere by being honest and kind. that's what blair believes in.

blair remembers roger's election party. he remembers talking lowly to him in the crowd, and being pushed aside in irritation. blair remembers hating that. blair remembers keith standing beside him, attempting to talk "sense" into him. blair snaps at him, and waves keith off with a wave of his hand. "this won't end well," keith says. blair scoffs. keith ends up being right. blair doesn't remember much of his and roger's conversation, but he does remember it quickly escalating from flirting to arguing. and then to blackmail. a mutually assured destruction, as roger puts it. blair raises his eyebrow, and tells roger to try him. roger leaves, spouting some bullshit about "never truly knowing him."

blair remembers seeing newell and signing roger's death sentence. he remembers tiff gaping at the tv, turning his eyes to the screen and feeling cold dread fill him. he remembers scrambling to the phone, no responce. he remembers jumping in a car and racing to roger's hotel. he remembers frantically knocking on the door; no response. he remembers fumbling with his keys and throwing open the door. and then he remembers nothing. nothing but complete numbness. blair remembers thinking only one thing: the bastard.

blair remembers lying more. being desperate. advocating for fucking conversion therapy. pretending to read from a suicide note. asking for a favour from the governor. deviating from moe's plan to take what he wants because no. he won't be controlled ever again. he will take whatever he wants and no matter what, he will not trust. because trust means they can refuse to give you want you want. they should never get the chance.

blair feels pain. the electricity lighting his nerves on fire as he remembers it all. being told he's broken. that being gay is nothing more than a mental illness that he is unfortunately suffering from, but that's okay. he can be cured. this is bullshit and blair knows it. but he goes again, and again, and again, and again. because this is how he gets what he wants. 

blair pfaff is a man of his own creation, yes, and also the creator of his own destruction.


End file.
